Dear Catalans – A Message from the Chairman

By Mark GB and Originally Posted at Renegade Inc

The characters in this letter are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to real people, alive or dead, is entirely co-incidental, unless of course you think otherwise, in which case, it isn’t.

Illustration by Rachael Bolton

Dear Catalans,

I must confess that I feel rather like St. Paul must have felt when he wrote to the Corinthians – the need to address an entire region is a grave affair. But the matter I must address today is of great importance to our community of nations:

Enough is enough. We need to get a few things cleared up before this regrettable idea of independence goes any further.

There are a number of things that have been rather opaque since we set up the EU. This was deliberate – there was simply no reason for you to know until now. There should never have been any need to disclose this information, and indeed there wouldn’t have been, were it not for those tiresome Brits setting such a terrible example for everyone last year.

We must resolve this matter quickly so that we can all get back to the business of being one big happy family again. Here’s what you need to know:

We ‘own’ Spain, and Spain ‘owns’ you.

Since you have seen reason to doubt the binding nature of this arrangement, perhaps I should explain to you how it works:

  1. Catalonia is a wholly owned subsidiary of Spain – this is all covered in the constitution, and is totally binding, although you may not have realised that when you voted upon it.

    It was democratic you see – one simply must read the small print, but of course one never does, does one?

  2. Spain is a subsidiary of the EU – this is all covered by EU treaty, which of course is also binding, as has been explained on a number of occasions by our Head of European Political Operations, dear Jean-Claude.

The following points may be difficult for you to understand, because we’ve never had to explain the structure beyond this point.

3. The EU is not owned by anyone, but of course ‘ownership’ and ‘control’ are really the same thing, but without all the legal drudgery that has become so tiresome of late.

4. The EU is controlled by the monetary system that we put in place.  I am not referring to the euro, which is simply the local mechanism for this region. I am referring to the banking system, which over-arches everything. The banks are the organisations that loan the money into existence in the first place. You didn’t know that did you? Don’t worry, very few people do…and that’s worked very well until now

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